Afraid of THAT Feeling

Anxiety is fear without an object. It is often a free-floating sense of dread that can escalate into a full-blown panic attack. Thoughts of sliding into that lake of feelings associated with higher levels of anxiety are full of "what ifs" and "hope nots" It's a circle of misery that can cause your body to ache from being tense and tight.

You were once a "normal person", you think. But one day it all changed. You began to FEEL something that seemed different. You stopped and paid attention to that feeling. The more you focused on it, the more intense it because and the more intense it became the more you focused and the more you focused the more fearful and panicky you became. The experience was horrible. You ended up in the ER.  They said you had a "panic attack" or that it was "just anxiety". The experience was horrible. You were sure that either you were going to die, or that you were going insane. Whatever, it scared the daylights out of you and you secretly hoped that you would never feel that way again.

So began your life of constant self-examination. Looking for that feeling. Hoping that it would not appear. But, it did. And, once again you felt yourself sliding into that ocean of feelings. You ended up in the ER again. You actually though you were going to die this time. You secretly hoped you were not going insane.
But, you were terrified at the thought of something being very wrong with your brain, your mind. You hoped you would not have a "nervous breakdown" and have to be hospitalized and be on medications.

You began to have feelings of being outside your body or outside your family and friends. You felt alone and you thought no one could possibly understand what you were going through. This problem seemed unique to you. Dissociative. You felt weird, like you were in a movie and nothing was real. Derealization. You were sure that you were on the verge of going crazy.  More alert than ever, hyper vigilant, obsessive, compulsive, your life seemed to be totally out of control.

You wondered what happened to those days of freedom and play when you were a kid? You longed to return to that place and start over again. You were a prisoner to your fear of those feelings. You had them in WalMart and left your cart in the aisle and left. You were in church and suddenly they appeared. With palms sweating and heart pounding, you got up and left. You had a strange fear of being in WalMart or church and you avoided going to either place. Every time you had an "episode" in or at a certain place, you found it more difficult to return. Your world seemed to be getting smaller. You were running from those feelings. But, they always seemed to catch you. You were a mess. A frightened ball of nerves. Always looking for those feelings.

Then one day something happened. You heard someone say that 'if your were not afraid of that feeling you would be well'. "Wait a minute", you thought, "is that really the answer? Is it really that simple?" But, you remembered how it was before you had "that feeling" for the first time. You recalled how it scared you and how you hoped you would never feel that again. But, you did and that set in motion the entire problem. You heard that feelings are terminal. They had a beginning and an end. You recalled how you had thought on many occasions that the feeling would last forever and you would be like that forever. To think that fear of the feeling was the problem and that if you could get over that, let it go, accept the feeling as brief and that you were in fact not going insane and not going to die...if you could....if you could not run from the feeling, dread it....you could be well. Your eyes were open. You felt a new freedom. "Maybe", you thought, "this is worth a try." Then It happened. The thing that you feared began again.  The feeling came and your heart started its rapid beat. But, you had prepared some thoughts on a note card and you read them to yourself. You reminded yourself of all that you had learned and the feeling did not seem so intense and it hardly lasted near as long.

As time went by, you became more and more friendly with all your feelings. You accepted them as part of your life, never forever- but with a beginning and an end. Fear was normal. The feeling of derealization and dissociation hardly bothered you any more. Once in a while you had a "what if" thought and wondered if you were drifting back into the circle again. But, you were not. You knew that you were never going down that road again  because fear of that feeling had left.

You told someone about what you had discovered. They were interested and said that they "had never thought about it that way" before. "You helped me", they said. "Good", you thought.

You Could Learn

You Did It Because You Knew How To Do It

You Knew How To Do It Because You Learned How To Do It

 I want to raise the level of your awareness regarding the significance of your thinking process. I want to challenge you to believe that your ability to think and learn empowers you to be and become almost anything you can imagine. Your brain is the organ that produces your thoughts that motivate any behavior, and most of your feelings.  For example, you see your friend standing at your door. You hear your doorbell ringing. You recognize her and rush to open the door. No big deal. Happens all the time. You would not have done anything without (1) Conciousness/being awake (2) Awareness/you heard and saw her and, (3) having some prior experience with her, the door bell sound, walking, moving your arms and hands, opening the door and responding. You learned all that before your friend got to your door. 

                     You Learned How To Do All That, So You Can Learn How To Do Something Else

This little vignette is an example of ordinary, everyday life and it is so important. Focus on the importance of learning. You knew something about all those things mentioned above because you were taught prior to the experience. Since this event was made possible because of your prior learning, perhaps you could think of other things that you would like to experience in your life and learn how to do that too. In other words, maybe you could become more than you are. 

                 You Could Learn To Be More Competent, Happier and More In Control

For example, you could learn how to be a person who is serene and calm throughout the day. You could learn how to deal successfully with feeling of anxiety and fear. You could learn how to be a more competent parent, husband, wife, friend, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddist or whatever. Remember that you learned how to speak English, or Spanish, or French, or whatever your spoken language might be. So, use the same principle to make changes in yourself and your life. Yes, you will have to study and take tests.

Don't just sit there, learn something. Most people are not stupid, they are ignorant (have no knowledge) of information that could or would change their life. Jesus said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do". You are living your life the way you learned to live it. Your teachers in your home, at school, in McDonalds, on the playground, in your group, on TV, on computer , and in books, taught you how to live. 

                                         

                                                Your Brain Is Your Organ of Consciousness

The brain causes consciousness. Consciousness may refer to awareness, or simply being alive. You can be conscious without being aware, but you cannot be aware without being conscious.  You can be conscious without knowing anything, such as when you were a newborn infant. You were alive and awake without being conscious of either. Some with traumatic brain injury are alive, and even conscious, without having language or memory to know anything. They may see you and even partially recognize you, without any ability to identify you. They have to be taught all over again.

                                         Your Brain is Your Center For Lifelong Learning

Life is an educational process. Your healthy brain is constantly recording your activity, thoughts, feelings, and consequences of every thought, feeling and behavior. You may, or may not, be conscious (aware) of what you are thinking, feeling, and doing. The idea of mindfulness captures the essence of this state of being. You can be mindful most of the time, if you learn how to be.

Learning is the process you go through to bring information into your brain, interpret the information through prior learning, classify it for reaction or response purposes and send it to the recall center. There are different ways of thinking about everything. While examining old ideas, you might discover some that were taught as true, real, and right, are not. Thinking your own truth is important and possible. Making a decision to learn how to think about something, to do something, and to be something,  is within your power right now. Why not make a list of things you wonder about, things you would like to know how to do or do better, things you would like to understand better, and let that be your curriculum for further education.  You brain in the "Center for LifeLong Learning".

Negative Anticipation

Negative Anticipation is just what it sounds like. You think about some future event or situation using negative thoughts. You "see" negative, embarrassing, shaming, terrible, tragic, things happening. Everyone does this to some extent. However, so many people sacrifice the joy, happiness, celebration, and whatever else might be wonderful about an event because they are so imprisoned by "what if's". Their mind is a cinema of "horror flicks". This kind of thinking is not limited to the big events of the future. Individuals suffering from these chronic, acute, intrusive, negative thoughts and images can be in a full blown "mental horror flick" sitting on a sofa in their home with nothing to do than sit there. So, is the there anything that can be done to help this crippling way of living? Yes.

The first thing that I recommend is to get in touch with just how much you are suffering, how many wonderful situations are being ruined by your negative anticipation. Think of your day. Just an ordinary day, and do an honest inventory of how much negative anticipation plays a role. Make up your mind that this is going to change. You are not going to be a prisoner of negativity any longer.

The second thing that I recommend is that you "catch the spook", i.e. become aware of the negative thoughts and images when they start. Listen to them. Maybe write then down or record them. What is the "buggie man" saying too you. What "what if" words and images are you using to frighten yourself?

The third thing you can do to free yourself of the tormentor is to refuse to take the thoughts. The Bible says, "take no thought for the morrow". Argue with yourself, the tormentor, the spook, the "buggie man". You can disagree with the negative images. I recall when my mother or dad would begin to tell me why they did not want me to do something, that it was possibly dangerous or that I could get in trouble, I would argue with them. I would disagree. In the same way you can argue with your negative anticipation.

There is one thing that you can do as a practice that will positively influence your life in every area.  When you understand the benefits and methods of meditation and mindfulness, and make it part of your life, you life will radically change for the better. When you learn how to think differently, you life will change.  Mindfulness and meditation create serenity and calmness. You can learn how to enter into the "serenity zone" in every situation. You mind can "come home" and become centered and calm.  So many believe in medication rather than meditation. 

Become a student of cognitive freedom. Learn how to manage your  mind through reflection, mindfulness and meditation. Learn how to breath,  relax and let go. If you do not know how to do something, you cannot enjoy those benefits. So, make up your mind to give up negative anticipation and begin to live in the   zone of peace and calm. Enjoy your days.

Dreading the Negative Future (Sorry. The unedited version was sent)

Negative Anticipation is responsible for more misery than you can shake a stick at.  In fact, pound for pound this is the world champion of misery. Almost everyday I see patients who are depressed, anxious, fearful and hopeless because of their expertise in creating a negative movie to go along with any event. The horror movie that these patients create in their mind can be about themselves or others.

For example, your 21year-old daughter takes her first trip to New Orleans with a group of her friends. She is excited. When she tells you about this trip, your imagination swings into action creating every possible horrible, negative image ending in disaster, rape, abduction, injury and death. While she is gone, there is hardly a thought about her that does not include at least a portion of a possible negative event occurring in her life at that moment. When she returns safely and recounts all the fun that she had, you are relieved she made it back safely, but her trip was miserable for you. That is Negative Anticipation.

The same kind of scenario can happen daily, before you even get out of bed. You wake and soon are seeing images of terrible things that COULD happen to you that day. Immediate events can block out the negative thoughts, but as soon as you give them a small opportunity they are running wild again. The "What ifs" take over. This is Negative Anticipation. The following ridiculous sounding story will illustrate how Negative Imagery intrudes into one's thinking.

You wake refreshed after a great night's sleep. You get out of bed and think immediately about the trip you are making to Chicago and feel somewhat excited and happy about it. You are scheduled to leave at 10:00AM for the airport. You have a 12:00PM flight. The trip is intended to be a happy gathering with close friends for their child's wedding. You will be a guest and have no part in the wedding.

The thought "crosses your mind" ...the car might not crank...that would make me be late...what if I get into a accident on the wait to the airport... and am injured...I will not be able to make it...what if I am in the hospital...my friends find out...it spoils their wedding...If I was killed would they come to my funeral...what would I be buried in...my poor mother would be devastated....I hope she doesn't get sick while I'm gone...what if I got a call that she had died...I would fly home...that would be terrible...My clothes, oh I hope the airline does not lose my luggage...Wouldn't that be something to arrive at the airport and my clothes don't get there until three days form now... after the wedding has already taken place...What if I have trouble at the gate...they profile me or hold me for some reason...take me into the back room... interrogate me about something they think I am involved in...I miss the weeding completely.

Oh My God! On and on and on. I know this is almost normal for some of you. This is the way you live  your life. You accept these fear producing thoughts as a given. That's just the way you are, you think. There is nothing you can do about it. Not. There is something you can do about it.

What's New for 2012? (PT 5)

Bill       "Give me exhaustion and time consumption for 500, Alex."
Alex     "What causes more exhaustion and time consumption..."
              Bling!
Alex      "Bill!"
Bill       "What is child rearing?"
Alex     "That's right for 500."

Humans are insatiably needy. Especially the very young and very old. The developmental psychologist, Eric Erickson, identified developmental stages. Each stage demands the satisfactory fulfillment of certain needs. For example, the primary need of a child during the 1st Stage of life (birth to 18 months) is trust. An infant grows into a young child and learns from experience whether those around her can be trusted to help, not hurt, love, not leave. A child will experience feelings of anxiety when that first stage need is nott adequately met by the parents. This anxiety will often permeate the entire lifespan.

Children also develop a self-image. Self-image is how they see themselves.  Children are fortunate when they hear "you is kind, you is smart and you is important" (The Help, Aibileen Clark) and they believe it.
Many children are told wonderful things about themselves, but refuse to believe it. Many more are permanently injured by those who shame, humiliate, and abuse.

Self-esteem is how a child feels about what he sees (self-image).  A child with low self-esteem feels negative about himself. Self-Image is very much like a movie, and self-esteem is like all the feelings that go on in a child when they watch a movie. If a child sees himself (self-image) as stupid or ugly or fat or not liked, he will feel (self-esteem) negative feelings about himself.

So, where did I get all those negative feelings about myself?  I often incorrectly felt indicted by some things my parents and others said to me and about me. Being reared in an ultra conservative Baptist Church did
not help. It was near impossible for me to leave the church building with a positive self-image, after a negative sermon had been railed against me for 45 minutes. One of my most painfully incorrect self-images was born out of my poor academic performances. I saw myself as stupid. No one told me. School was a headache and a heartache. My grades were terrible. I failed. I saw myself as different. Fear and anxiety caused most of my problems. The world, especially school, was a dangerous place to be.

So I was when Mrs. Cockerham called me to the front of the class on my very first day of my second year in the 7th grade (1964). After reading the Bible over the intercom as a mandate from Mr. H.W. Solomon, I scampered to my first class of the first day, my homeroom. Mrs. Cockerham was my height. As I stood beside her in front of 30 students, I noticed her blue eyes. She wore no lipstick. She smelled like a cross between a moth ball and Miss Kitty.

The moment of truth had arrived. My life was about to change forever. My head was lowered. My hands were tight inside my blue jean pockets. I felt Mrs. Cockerham's hand land firmly on my shoulder. She pulled me to her side and tightly held me there. She said...

"I want every one of your boys and girls to look up here. I want you to pay close attention to what I about to say to you.  This boy is Bill Spears. He just read the scripture over the intercom this morning. He also plays on the football team (I had the year before). Bill Spears is an example of what school is all about. It's not just coming to class. It's more than reading books and taking tests. It's about doing things for the school, for your fellow classmates. It's about being a part of the place and shining like Bill Spears does. Boys and girls this is your model right here. Bill take a 95!" She grabbed her grade book and marked 95 as my daily grade. She gave me that Cockerham smile and said, "Bill, I'm so proud of you!"

I felt something lift me above fear, something that empowered me and inspired me. I floated back to my seat.

I did not remember the rest of the class or the rest of the day. My mind was in parade mode. I kept hearing Mrs. Cockerham's comments about me, over and over again. Each time I heard them my self-image rose a point and my fear dropped a point. "Boys and girls this is your model right here! Boys and girls this is your model right here!" I passed with flying colors that year and the next and the next. I went to college and  graduate school. I went to post-graduate school. And then it happened.

Many years passed since that day in front of Mrs. Cockerham's homeroom class. I stood in front of another group of people. My mother, Dad and other family members proudly watched as Dr. Levell said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Dr. William C. Spears" and he placed the regalia hood over my shoulders.
And then it happened.

Time stopped and waited as my spirit flew back to the Delta, to the crowded halls of E.E. Bass Jr. High School, to the empty classroom on the right at the top of the wooden stairs. And, there she stood. Looking at me, with that Cockerham smile. "Bill Spears. Come up here," she said. My spirit moved to her. She said, "You are the model, Bill Spears. I'm so proud of you" I said, "Thank you for blessing me."

What's New for 2012? (PT 4)

Mrs. Cockerham was a middle school (we called it Jr. High School) history teacher. Silver headed. Maybe it was white. Her hair was short and rolled under all around except on her forehead. Quick to smile. Her  laugh was either a quick burst or one of cocky amusement. She was quick to think. Witty. Her observations were a source of delight to her. "It would take a Philadelphia lawyer and 17 bloodhounds to find the truth in that rascal", she would say. "Yes sirree bob, I'll just give em my Cockerham smile and a wink. If you say I said it, I'll say I didn't."

Mrs. Cockerham was unknown to me, but I was not unknown to her. News of my indigent self-image and massive inferiority had reached her. I weighed a firm 150 pounds with typical adolescent features consisting of long arms, short legs, and a terminal case of acne that fed on Clearacil. Mrs. Cockerham knew that my first year in the 7th grade had been academically tragic, socially painful and personally demeaning.
I failed every subject, every semester. When I walked out of E.E. Bass Jr. High School in the spring of 1964, I was resolved to never return. My grandfather encouraged me during the summer months and somehow convinced me to try one more time. I was poised for another humiliating, shameful school experience.

Breathing heavily from my dash through the halls and up the flight of wooden stairs, I stood at the back entrance of Mrs. Cockerham's classroom. I waited for her to turn toward the blackboard, so I could slip into a seat without being detected. She did and I did. Suddenly, she turned as I took one step through the threshold. Without missing a beat, she said, "Bill Spears!" I froze. Every eye in the classroom was fixed on me. Mrs. Cockerham stepped forward and said, "Bill Spears, get yourself up here!" She pointed at the floor beside her. I felt a lump of fear grab my throat and tears of shame were about to empty down my cheeks. "I knew I should have stayed home", I thought as I lumbered to the front of the classroom.

And then it happened.

What's New For 2012? (PT 3)

     As I stepped from the bus I was confronted face-to-face by Mr. Solomon. Little did I know my life was about to change. He looked up at me and with his giant Jewish smile said, "Bill Spears you will read the Bible this morning. Follow me!" He turned quickly and started toward the auditorium while I ran along beside him. "But, Mr. Solomon, please, please don't do this to me. I can't read. I'll be late for homeroom and get in trouble. I'll.." Mr. Solomon was not hearing me. It was no use. I would have to read the Bible over the intercom. My mind raced toward all the negative possibilities. What if I messed up? What would my buddies say about me reading the Bible. Who would make fun of me? What would happen to me when I showed up late for homeroom?

     Soon I was standing in front of the large lectern holding a giant Bible, opened to the Old Testament Psalms. Mr. Solomon pointed to a Psalm and said, "You will read that Psalm in it's entirety, do you understand?" I nodded. My mouth was already full of cotton and my throat was as dry and squeaky as a wagon wheel. I remember the uncompromising fear engulfing me. Then I was reading. Finished, I raced out of the office and up two flights of stairs to Mr. Cockerham's room. I stood at the back door and listened for her voice.

And then it happened.....Mrs. Cockerham.

What's New For 2012? (PT 2)

     Don't get me wrong. I'm not throwing rocks at anyone, especially my daddy. He and momma did the best they could. He knew only one way of helping his children do good. Beat the living hell out of them if they did not. I do not hold it against him. What we experience we practice. What we practice we learn. What we learn we become. What we become has consequences. That was true of Daddy and it is true of me. He gave me what was given him. Don't forget that part. I'll say it again. He gave me what was given him.

"I will bless you and you will be a blessing"  Yahweh to Abraham.

     Mrs. Cockerham was an elderly (in late fifties, early sixties) history teacher at E.E. Bass Jr. High School. She and her sister, Mrs. Something, were rather colorful ole girls. Full of vim, vigor, opinions and Falstaff. On the very first day of my second year in the 7th grade, I jumped off the school bus only to be confronted by Mr. H.W. Solomon. This small man was the most prim and proper gentleman that I had ever met. He wore tailored suits to school. His shoes were always glowing with shine. He did not have much hair, but what he did have was never out of place. His mantra was, "A word to the wise is sufficient, my friend". He chose his words as carefully as if they were missiles of meaning. He was a prince of a gentleman and a robust scholar.

     Mr. Solomon stood on the curb every morning, rain or shine, watching us step from the buses and hurry to the auditorium where he would meet us for opening assembly. There he would offer us some encouragement, usually in the form of a story. Upon being dismissed we would then hurry along to our homeroom class and sit quietly waiting for Mr. Solomon's voice to come over the intercom. "Teachers, boys and girls, please stand and recite the Pledge of Allegiance. This morning we will be led by (name of some girl or boy). Please remain standing while Mrs. Whatever (music teacher) leads us in singing My Country Tis' of Thee. Then (student) will read from the Bible, and I will say our prayer for the day".

Yes, this was in public school.

And then it happened. Mr. H.W. Solomon

What's New For 2012? (PT 1)

I hated school from the moment my 5 year-old body, holding on to momma like a baby opossum, entered Suzie P. Trigg Elementary School. We did not have Kindergarden in those days (1956) My birthday was in December, so I got to join the student rank and file while I was virtually still a baby. At least that's the way it felt to me.

I was a terrible student. My teachers said I was so smart, but I did not try hard enough. They said that I did not pay attention. That I would not focus on what was going on in the classroom. That I was so easily distracted by any sound or movement. My dad took that as a personal insult to the Spears name. He decided the way to get me to do better was to make me feel worse. His reasoning was simple: inflict enough pain and I would become a good student. It did not work. The more pain he inflicted, the more fearful I became. When my brain saw him coming, it shut off and ran away. Daddy, of course, took that as plain rebellion and inflicted more pain.

Eventually I failed the 7th grade and considered dropping out of school all together. Daddy had given up. He no longer punished. He just shook his head in disgust. His oldest son was simply not interested in learning. I brought my report card home. F's in every square box for both semesters. Except citizenship (whatever the hell that was), I got check marks (whatever the hell that meant). Since it was not an F, I took that as a good thing.

Then it happened.....MRS. COCKERHAM