Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

     We are, at least in part, the sum total of our decisions. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For every choice that we make there is a consequence. Most of these consequences float by undetected. Not all, however. Some of our choices have BIG consequences. Life changing, life rearranging consequences. And, we often do not know ahead of time which decision will be that life changer, life rearranger. Just saying.

     One of the most important aspects of living a life of contentment and composure is rational thinking. Rational thinking is thinking that is intially skeptical, not rudely, but in a way that is opposite gullible. It is thinking that is "evidence based" and "thought through", "thought out", "calculated thinking", using every available means of making a good choice. Sometimes our choices must be made immediately, without space for much calculation. The ole Boy Scout motto is "Be Prepared". It is possible to learn how to think rationally. It is possible to study thinking skills. In fact, if you will click on the iTube videos at the top of this blog page you will find some lectures, talks about Critical Thinking. After you read this blog post, go there and take some time to study Critical Thinking Skills. You will benefit greatly if you do.

     Take responsibility for your choices. Stop blaming every Tom, Dick and Harry for your situation. Of course you have been effected by others....WE ALL HAVE. Take your life by force. The force of choice. You have a choice. You are making choices right now. You could do different. You could live differently. You could work somewhere else. You could be with someone else. You could be more fulfilled. You could be happier. You could be more in control of your life. Your choices make all the difference. Like Robert Frost said, "Two roads diverged into a wood and I took the one less traveled and that has made all the difference."
                           A choice, no doubt. It makes all the difference, every time.

Oh, one more thing. If you allow others to choose for you, consequences will come. But, you are forfeiting the basic ingredient of human freedom.....decision making.

"What Does Happiness Have to do With Love?"

      The wise man sent the young "happiness seeking" mother to The Love Tree. She was dissapointed because  it was happiness not love that she was seeking. Is there, however, a correlation between love and happiness? Remember, correlations are not necessarily causes. In other words, love does not necessarily cause happiness, but it may be involved with it some how.

     What is love? Like happiness, love is two things: (1) it is a feeling (2) it is a behavior. The feeling of love for a person is a feeling of affection, desire for relationship and, in some instances, a desire for sexual intimacy. Love as a behavior is kind, patient, and compassionate (see 1 Corinthians 13).

     I have been asked on occasions if I thought there was a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Yes. The basic difference is behavior vs. feeling. "I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I mean, she is a good person and I want her to be OK." (Kindness).  "Dr. Spears, I love Adolf  (Behavior) but I'm not IN LOVE with him." (Feelings). Translated....."Somebody needs to start packing here!" It seems to me that loveless (feeling) marriages produce intense unhappiness.

     We use the word "love" in place of  "like" sometimes. I love popcorn just does not really fit the idea of love. You may have a strong like for popcorn, but feelings of intimacy or desire for relationship is stretching it a bit. (You might want to take a look at a rather new word used for love...limerance.)

     Ok, so what's love got to do with it? Those lyrics would make a good song. What, if anything, does love have to do with happiness? Is there a correlation between them; love and happiness? Yes. Look at the qualities that constitute the Biblical idea of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, just to name a few qualities. Are you happy when you are being envious, impatient, unkind or boasting? Not usually. You can learn how to be patient, how to be unenvious and kind. When you do, you may just find the secret that St. Paul was talking about when he stated that he had learned the secret of happiness.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

Love just might be that secret. Something to think about.

Love and Happiness

The young mother went away. Soon she returned to the wise man. 
"I am sad unto death", she said brushing tears from her downcast face.
"Why are you so sad?" the wise man asked.
"What I desire most for my children is the very thing that I desire most for myself." she replied.
"You are sad because you do not have it?" the wise man asked.
"I do not have it nor do I know how I shall ever have it." she cried.
"My child" the wise man said lovingly, "If it is happiness you seek, you will find it growing on the tree by the road."
The young mother looked surprised. Her crying stopped. Her hope suddenly soared as she remembered the tree. She had passed it many times. So many times that she hardly even noticed it any more. Quickly she hurried away. Soon she arrived at the tree. 
"It is not love that I seek!" she screamed as she slapped at a leaf on the tree called Love.  (End of story)

What is love?
Is there a correlation between love and happiness?
Can love be learned?
 

“Happiness: Temporal Emotion and Shadow of Contentment”

     Happiness is a feeling and happiness feels good. Depression is a feeling and depression feels bad. We usually think in those simple terms. Good and bad feelings. Feelings are temporal. They have a beginning and an end. If you are happy, enjoy it because it will not last forever.

     Happiness is a feeling attached to your thoughts about various circumstances going on in your life. My son was born healthy. I was happy that he was born and happy that he was born healthy. My son was injured while playing baseball. I was not happy about that. I was rather worried. He soon recovered from his injury and I was happy again. Happiness is situational, in the sense that we have thoughts about a particular situation that causes us to feel happy.


     So, happiness is a feeling and feeling are temporal. Unless. Unless? Unless the feelings are caused by some organic malfunction. For example, an individual may suffer emotional destress from vitamin deficiency, hormone depletion and endogenous brain illnesses. With proper medical treatment, these illnesses can usually be managed effectively.

     In most cases, however, we are not dealing with an endogenous physical condition that dictates our emotions. Our feelings are created rather by what we are thinking at any given moment. It is not difficult to see how my feelings of happiness and worry were related to what I was thinking about my son’s situations. So, we could conclude with some sense of correctness that our thoughts are the primary creators of emotional conditions. Not so much the circumstances, but rather our particular thoughts about the circumstances dictate our emotional condition.

 With that fact in mind, we could perhaps try forcing ourselves to think positive thoughts about every situation in life and stay happy. This is, however, quite unreasonable, unhealthy and unworkable. Rather than deny that some situation is hurtful and strive for a perfect state of emotional happiness, we can more realistically find our shadow of contentment, serenity, and peace of mind. In spite of circumstances it is possible to experience happiness because it is both a state of being and a single temporal emotion.


     St. Paul in his letter to the church at Philippi alluded to what he had learned about circumstances and happiness (contentment).


Phillipians 4: 10F     "I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”


    This idea is not limited to the Christian theology of St. Paul, even though his focus on “him who gives me strength” would no doubt be definitively Christian. Paul states the methods he used to achieve contentment or happiness can be learned. This is good news for all.  Instead of being an emotional victim of any and every circumstance, we can learn to remain in a continual state of contentment.  This fact is truly “amazing” (to use my daughter Meredith’s term).

     Mathieu Ricard is a genetic biologist, best-selling author, photographer, and Buddhist monk. Residing in the Himalayan region for over forty years, he is noted as “the happiest man alive”, for which he humorously says there is not a shred of evidence. His most recent book, Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill, is required reading for this blog. Agreeing with St. Paul, Ricard says happiness is much more that a fleeing, temporal good feeling. He notes that happiness is a state (shadow) of contentment that is an acquired skill.

     Our first issue at hand is a workable definition of happiness. (1) Happiness is a temporal emotion caused by our particular thoughts about a circumstance in our life (2) Happiness is a contented state of mind determined by prior learning and practice of certain altruistic qualities rather than circumstances. We will now discuss some of the methods we can use to learn happiness, life’s most important skill. Next!

The Wise Man and The Young Mother

     "What do you wish more than all else for your children?" the wise man asked the young mother.

"Happiness!" she exclaimed. "Yes, above all, happiness. I wish for them to be happy!"

"And since this is one thing that you wish for more than any other, are you going to leave this matter to chance or are you prepared to give your children instructions as to what this happiness is and how they might get it?" he asked.

The mother looked sorrowful.

End of story. Now please take a piece of paper and a pen. Write your answers to the following questions.


(1) Why was the young mother sorrowful?

(2) What is happiness?

(3) What instructions would you give to your children as to how they could find happiness in
their lives?

The next BTIEB will focus on Happiness, what it is, how to get it and how to keep it.