Dreading the Negative Future (Sorry. The unedited version was sent)

Negative Anticipation is responsible for more misery than you can shake a stick at.  In fact, pound for pound this is the world champion of misery. Almost everyday I see patients who are depressed, anxious, fearful and hopeless because of their expertise in creating a negative movie to go along with any event. The horror movie that these patients create in their mind can be about themselves or others.

For example, your 21year-old daughter takes her first trip to New Orleans with a group of her friends. She is excited. When she tells you about this trip, your imagination swings into action creating every possible horrible, negative image ending in disaster, rape, abduction, injury and death. While she is gone, there is hardly a thought about her that does not include at least a portion of a possible negative event occurring in her life at that moment. When she returns safely and recounts all the fun that she had, you are relieved she made it back safely, but her trip was miserable for you. That is Negative Anticipation.

The same kind of scenario can happen daily, before you even get out of bed. You wake and soon are seeing images of terrible things that COULD happen to you that day. Immediate events can block out the negative thoughts, but as soon as you give them a small opportunity they are running wild again. The "What ifs" take over. This is Negative Anticipation. The following ridiculous sounding story will illustrate how Negative Imagery intrudes into one's thinking.

You wake refreshed after a great night's sleep. You get out of bed and think immediately about the trip you are making to Chicago and feel somewhat excited and happy about it. You are scheduled to leave at 10:00AM for the airport. You have a 12:00PM flight. The trip is intended to be a happy gathering with close friends for their child's wedding. You will be a guest and have no part in the wedding.

The thought "crosses your mind" ...the car might not crank...that would make me be late...what if I get into a accident on the wait to the airport... and am injured...I will not be able to make it...what if I am in the hospital...my friends find out...it spoils their wedding...If I was killed would they come to my funeral...what would I be buried in...my poor mother would be devastated....I hope she doesn't get sick while I'm gone...what if I got a call that she had died...I would fly home...that would be terrible...My clothes, oh I hope the airline does not lose my luggage...Wouldn't that be something to arrive at the airport and my clothes don't get there until three days form now... after the wedding has already taken place...What if I have trouble at the gate...they profile me or hold me for some reason...take me into the back room... interrogate me about something they think I am involved in...I miss the weeding completely.

Oh My God! On and on and on. I know this is almost normal for some of you. This is the way you live  your life. You accept these fear producing thoughts as a given. That's just the way you are, you think. There is nothing you can do about it. Not. There is something you can do about it.

What's New for 2012? (PT 5)

Bill       "Give me exhaustion and time consumption for 500, Alex."
Alex     "What causes more exhaustion and time consumption..."
              Bling!
Alex      "Bill!"
Bill       "What is child rearing?"
Alex     "That's right for 500."

Humans are insatiably needy. Especially the very young and very old. The developmental psychologist, Eric Erickson, identified developmental stages. Each stage demands the satisfactory fulfillment of certain needs. For example, the primary need of a child during the 1st Stage of life (birth to 18 months) is trust. An infant grows into a young child and learns from experience whether those around her can be trusted to help, not hurt, love, not leave. A child will experience feelings of anxiety when that first stage need is nott adequately met by the parents. This anxiety will often permeate the entire lifespan.

Children also develop a self-image. Self-image is how they see themselves.  Children are fortunate when they hear "you is kind, you is smart and you is important" (The Help, Aibileen Clark) and they believe it.
Many children are told wonderful things about themselves, but refuse to believe it. Many more are permanently injured by those who shame, humiliate, and abuse.

Self-esteem is how a child feels about what he sees (self-image).  A child with low self-esteem feels negative about himself. Self-Image is very much like a movie, and self-esteem is like all the feelings that go on in a child when they watch a movie. If a child sees himself (self-image) as stupid or ugly or fat or not liked, he will feel (self-esteem) negative feelings about himself.

So, where did I get all those negative feelings about myself?  I often incorrectly felt indicted by some things my parents and others said to me and about me. Being reared in an ultra conservative Baptist Church did
not help. It was near impossible for me to leave the church building with a positive self-image, after a negative sermon had been railed against me for 45 minutes. One of my most painfully incorrect self-images was born out of my poor academic performances. I saw myself as stupid. No one told me. School was a headache and a heartache. My grades were terrible. I failed. I saw myself as different. Fear and anxiety caused most of my problems. The world, especially school, was a dangerous place to be.

So I was when Mrs. Cockerham called me to the front of the class on my very first day of my second year in the 7th grade (1964). After reading the Bible over the intercom as a mandate from Mr. H.W. Solomon, I scampered to my first class of the first day, my homeroom. Mrs. Cockerham was my height. As I stood beside her in front of 30 students, I noticed her blue eyes. She wore no lipstick. She smelled like a cross between a moth ball and Miss Kitty.

The moment of truth had arrived. My life was about to change forever. My head was lowered. My hands were tight inside my blue jean pockets. I felt Mrs. Cockerham's hand land firmly on my shoulder. She pulled me to her side and tightly held me there. She said...

"I want every one of your boys and girls to look up here. I want you to pay close attention to what I about to say to you.  This boy is Bill Spears. He just read the scripture over the intercom this morning. He also plays on the football team (I had the year before). Bill Spears is an example of what school is all about. It's not just coming to class. It's more than reading books and taking tests. It's about doing things for the school, for your fellow classmates. It's about being a part of the place and shining like Bill Spears does. Boys and girls this is your model right here. Bill take a 95!" She grabbed her grade book and marked 95 as my daily grade. She gave me that Cockerham smile and said, "Bill, I'm so proud of you!"

I felt something lift me above fear, something that empowered me and inspired me. I floated back to my seat.

I did not remember the rest of the class or the rest of the day. My mind was in parade mode. I kept hearing Mrs. Cockerham's comments about me, over and over again. Each time I heard them my self-image rose a point and my fear dropped a point. "Boys and girls this is your model right here! Boys and girls this is your model right here!" I passed with flying colors that year and the next and the next. I went to college and  graduate school. I went to post-graduate school. And then it happened.

Many years passed since that day in front of Mrs. Cockerham's homeroom class. I stood in front of another group of people. My mother, Dad and other family members proudly watched as Dr. Levell said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Dr. William C. Spears" and he placed the regalia hood over my shoulders.
And then it happened.

Time stopped and waited as my spirit flew back to the Delta, to the crowded halls of E.E. Bass Jr. High School, to the empty classroom on the right at the top of the wooden stairs. And, there she stood. Looking at me, with that Cockerham smile. "Bill Spears. Come up here," she said. My spirit moved to her. She said, "You are the model, Bill Spears. I'm so proud of you" I said, "Thank you for blessing me."